You Can't Turn A Hoe Into A Husband Either
The other day, I was asked by someone I would consider a pretty savvy and switched on woman how she could fix a relationship with a f**kboy. Yes, you read that correctly. The gist is that she felt used by him so took steps to put boundaries in place and protect herself by casting him and other men out of her life who were not treating her with respect. However, now she can’t help but feel as though she emasculated him when he behaved like a f**kboy towards her; which lead to him ignoring her and claiming that it was her behaviour that caused him to behave like this (nice bit of gaslighting and bait and switch going on here). They are still in contact now, as friends and in her words, he seems to have really cleaned up his act. So, she wants to make right what she feels that she did to him back then. Following? I’ll be honest, it took me a while because boy, there is a lot to address here. Before we dive in, I want to define a few things. F**kboys are a creature that we have all, no doubt, encountered at one time or another. F**kboys can turn a confident, poised woman into a confused and insecure mess and a mere shadow of her former self. Yes, f**kery exists across both genders but I write from the perspective of a female dealing with a man, today’s discussion will be limited to the male of the species.
In their original form, a f**kboy is the guy who strings you along by giving you what you need (sex, chat, maybe a coffee date here and there) to keep your thirst for them going. Simultaneously, they bail on plans without taking your feelings into account, make deliberately vague plans to keep you in reserve, only engage in activities when they think that sex is on the table (and usually, the sex is hardly notable or worth the nonsense) and gaslight you by minimising or denying your point of view. They will show just enough breadcrumb signs of interest, but not pursue you or treat you with respect or view you as girlfriend material.
Such hot and cold behaviour can be weirdly addictive when your self respect is low, which is why it may be so hard to walk away. Walk away you must once you realise what is going on here. Like a virus, f**kboys have mutated and evolved to such a degree that they come in various guises. It can be harder to recognise when you are entangled with one, to the point of where you feel that you are the one who has done wrong or not been accepting enough and need to fix the situation; which leads us nicely back to the topic at hand here.
Let’s break down what was being said here. She is saying – I refused to put up with nonsense from a guy acting badly. I put up boundaries that, ironically, helped him grow (because he got the memo that his behaviour was not okay). Now I feel bad about that and would like to undo that progress, not only to my detriment but also to his. To my mind, this is the equivalent of being a personal trainer and telling your client that they couldn’t eat cake. Your client is now healthy and happy, but you feel guilty that you didn’t let them have cake so you’re going to order cake for them to make up for you having denied them cake in the first place. Also, she is saying that in the laying down on her boundaries, he felt hurt and cast out. My heart bleeds. Just how ‘cast out’ is someone if they still have access to you and now you are the one feeling bad for exercising some self esteem? For what it is worth, all that appears to have happened here is that the B-lister f**kboys have been moved out to make room for the King of the F**kboys/semi ‘are we or aren’t we’ guy.
We can’t change what we don’t acknowledge and if you are telling yourself that you just want to be friends with this guy, I hate to break it to you but you are in for a world of hurt. You are in for being the fall back option all over again. All the progress – gone. All the growth – gone. Maybe that is the real reason why you are so caught up on this guy? I have a feeling that the boundaries that you laid down might not quite as concrete as you want to believe that they were. Are they ever when are invested in a guy? You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife, but did you also know that you can’t turn a hoe into a husband either. And it feels a little like this is what is going on here, albeit subconsciously.
We might reason with ourselves that if we can turn this guy into wanting something more substantial and more committed then all of the humiliating incidents, all of the insults, all of the times that you interacted to the detriment of yourself won’t just be painful experiences adding up to nothing. We can then say that they were adding up to a relationship and part of a larger story that we don’t have to feel so bad about. Even if it doesn’t add up to you dating, then maybe just maybe, it might amount to him learning something.
At this point I need to ask, when did we as women decide that the acceptable price for a man’s growth is our pain? Is that the collateral damage; we are just the road that he stomps along on his way up to enlightenment. Who, may I ask, is doing that for you? What man has that attitude towards us? I can tell you now that they absolutely don’t. So why have we decided that we have to subjugate ourselves like this and allow men to stand on our shoulders and crush us to dust in the process? At the end of the day, if you putting up boundaries with a f**kboy means that he interprets you saying, ‘No, I don’t tolerate that behaviour in my life’ as emasculation then that is on him. This is not your problem to fix. If something is that fragile that you have to spend all of this time worrying and freting about how you’re coming across and not offending him, then let it break. Yes – let it break. Who is treating you with that same level of fragility or handling you like you are a precious and rare object? Not the f**kboy! Stop taking steps backwards and move forwards and away from this man.
How do you do that? I am a firm believer that forewarned is forearmed. Sometimes we do have to run into the fire a few times before we learn that some endeavours just do not pay off. When are you are ready to take a good look, then you will see that there are signs to spot a f**kboy before you get seriously involved and have your heart torn into a million pieces.
‘Mr Nice Guy’ Type
Notice how I say ‘Mr. Nice Guy’ in quotation marks? This is for a reason. He’s the f**kboy who texts you “good morning” and “good night” and calls you beautiful when you least expect it. He says he misses you before you even say goodbye. He’s so damn convincing that he throws most off guard. Ladies, he’s playing you. The biggest red flag is being too perfect. If your gut is telling you that he’s putting on an act, he probably is putting on an act. Yes, there are genuinely nice guys out there, trust me, I’ve met them. However, if it feels like he is ticking all of the boxes of things to do just to impress you and get you into bed, then he is probably doing just that.
Lesson from the ‘Mr. Nice Guy’ type: Listen to your gut.
Too Busy For You Type
We have all been there. At times, we’ve been so busy that we barely have time to eat or drink . Yet somehow, we always find time for our potential partners. If a guy is into you, he will show you that he is into you. He will always make time for you, no matter what is going on in his life. I dated a lawyer while he was starting up his own practice and he still made time for me. If he likes you, he will make time for you no matter how ‘busy’ he is. This type of f**kboy will only ever hang out with you on his terms. Don’t do it. Whatever you do, don’t ever plan your life around a guy.
Lesson from the Too Busy For You type: If he is constantly cancelling on you because he is ‘busy’ or if you’re only seeing him on his terms, chances are, he’s busy benching you for another chick. In situations like this, it’s best to play the field. Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket and don’t ever settle for someone that does not put you first.
‘Just Going With The Flow’ Type
This is just another way of saying “I don’t know what I’m doing with my life and I don’t know what I want out of life but you seem great for the moment.” Read: he is never going to commit. Make sure you have ultra low (if any) expectations of aa guy like this, because 9.5 times out of 10 he will not meet your expectations. If he doesn’t even know what the hell he wants out of life, why would you think he knows what he wants out of a long-term relationship? No judgement, I was fooled by one or two of these on my way to enlightenment. Just don’t think you’re going to be the one to show him what he needs. The only thing that you will end up doing is wasting your time.
Lesson from the ‘Just Going With The Flow’ type: If you’re strictly looking for a booty call, then crack on. This is the perfect boy for you because that is just about all you will get out of him.
Aim for someone that acts like a man, not a little boy. Know your own worth.