Help! Why Am I Addicted to Stalking My Boyfriend's Ex Online?

In today’s dilemma, let us go under the hood and examine what it’s like if you’re hung up on stalking your boyfriend’s ex?

We can all relate to the sweet, tiny pangs of jealousy when someone we love mentions their ex. When people with romantic history start dating other people with their own romantic histories, it can highlight the fragility of love. “If he loved her then but loves me now, does that mean one day he will love someone new and she will be stalking me on holographic-Instagram?” Why am I doing this? Is this helping me, or distracting me from the real issue? All valid questions. So let’s get creative and rather than hate, try to answer this with compassion from the perspective of the new girlfriend.

I stalk your ex-girlfriend online for a couple of reasons. Mainly, I want to see what made her so special that you dated her in the first place. I know, maybe it would be easier to ask “Why did you two break up?” but I never get a straight answer. “We were just too different” or, “She broke my heart” doesn’t tell me anything. Sometimes I get a little more, like “She cheated on me” or “She moved on” but your defenses cause me to find the answers on my own. My favorite response from you is that “She was a crazy bitch.” So I try to find out why she was a crazy bitch, to prevent me from emulating her craziness. I troll her Instagram and Facebook profile or anonymously follow her in hopes that I might find out some small nugget of something to help me find answers.. Call it schadenfreude, but just knowing that I don’t possess the psychotic qualities that you lead me to believe that your ex-girlfriend has, assures me in a small way that I am better and that we may stand a chance at this dating thing.

If the breakup was a tough one, I might stalk your ex-girlfriend to make sure she is recovering normally. You know, just to monitor that she isn’t threatening to make a return into your life and to assure myself that you are completely over her. I want to be everything that she is, and more, so that you will never have any reason to leave me.

Sometimes, I’ll stalk your ex-girlfriend because I want to know what it was like to be in a relationship with you. Weird, yes. But those two months or tw0 years or 10 years dating her are two months and two years and 10 years I will never get back. Your ex-girlfriend is the most recent person you’ve been with that I can compare myself to. Comparison shouldn’t be necessary, but most people in a new relationship are a little curious as to how they measure up to the last one. If she is prettier than me, do you think I am ugly? If she is smarter than me, do you think I’m stupid? I don’t want to know if she was better in bed, but I do want to know that I’m better in bed.

Also, I stalk your ex-girlfriend because I am afraid that one day, you might wake up and realise just how good you really had it. And that’s the worst — when I stalk your ex-girlfriend because I think you are cheating on me. I know, it’s a total breach of trust, and low self-esteem on my part, but some guys just can’t shake their ex, no matter how hard they try. Love is a potent and addicting drug, especially when taken in large doses over extended periods of time. Maybe you broke up, started dating me, realized you missed her for whatever reason, and started to have sex with this chick again on the side. We all know that there is no good way to break up with someone. It’s going to hurt, one way or other. Lots of people would rather cheat than feel guilty for hurting someone’s feelings.

I know that I have to believe you. I know that I have to trust you when you say that you love me, and that you are done with your ex, and that I am so much better than she ever will be. That’s when I stalk your ex-girlfriend because I believe we are too good to be true. Because great relationships like this don’t actually exist. Because by going through the Instagram pages of your ex, I hope to uncover — and avoid — the skeleton in your closet that could possibly break us.

Back in the real world, stalking is rather like watching porn. It can be fun and exciting at first, but it can also make you feel numb, detached and a little gross. So, if you are developing an unhealthy obsession with your boyfriend’s past, try redirecting your sneaky energy into active engagement with the people you actually know, like, for example, your boyfriend.

If you’re really into your relationship, why are you comparing yourself and turning yourself in knots to be everything and more than she ever was? Look, I’m all for living your life however you want, but if that’s the case, then own it and at least be gracious about it! Hating on someone that you do not know, disrespecting them and imitating them all throw a massive spotlight on your own internal wounds, Might it be better to heal yourself from the inside out rather than hiding behind a false self?

Mockery, sabotage and hatred of your partner’s ex all stem from jealousy. What you are doing is not only toxic, but ultimately a waste of your time. We have all had scabs that we like to pick because sometimes, picking scabs feels like the good kind of bad. However, that doesn’t mean you wouldn’t be better off not touching them. Whatever you say or do will not change the past. Nor will it change whatever this person represents to you that has you feeling so insecure and needing to compare. Time spent trolling and competing could be time spent exploring your obsession within therapy. Maybe in this way, you would really and truly be on the road to becoming the sort of person that you desperately want to be seen as being.

Go Well


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