Crossing The Divide

Posted on Aug 1, 2018 | No Comments

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During my extended period of singledom, I have dated and been in ‘relationships’ that were really total shambles and considered a relationship based on the time that passed in nothingness and ambiguity, not through the actual building of anything. It took writing about my experiences, reading through them and noting the patterns to put the stops in place and make a conscious decision to stop engaging in the unavailable bullsh*t and either be single and happy, or with a guy that is available and be happy. I chose the later.

The first thing that should be cleared up is that nice guys are not waiting for you to come along so that they can roll over, declare their undying love for you, and pander to your every whim. They’re men, which means that it’s likely that they can be a pain in the proverbial, but the type of annoying things that they do are very different to your average Mr Unavailable or out-and-out Bad Boy.

Nice Guys get a bad rap because sometimes, we have got it into our head that there is something far more fulfilling to be had with a man that isn’t very good at fulfilling us. We often forget that if we’re expecting things to be out of the fairy tales or the movies, the bad guy doesn’t get the girl, the nice one does.

A nice guy will strive as often as possible to say what he means and mean what he says.  Yes there may be times where he messes up as the communication between the sexes does tend to go awry. However a ‘Nice Guy’, if he likes you will make an effort to try. He will call you, and not because he’s looking for a filler for his evening but because being with you makes his whole evening, or makes his whole week in fact.

They tend to make sure that the path is free and clear for you both to tread on instead of attempting to juggle you with another woman. Even if he happens to be in a relationship when you meet him, because he has morals, because he is attempting to start out on the right footing, he will put an end to the other relationship pronto and without you threatening all sorts of outcomes.

Nice Guys don’t come out with BS like, ”I’d love to be with you, but you know my situation’. In fact, the dreaded word ‘situation’ doesn’t feature because he doesn’t make things difficult for himself.  Some Nice Guys are open about their feelings, they show their keenness, and ambiguity is a foreign word with them….and this scares away women. This is seen as being super-keen or weird because for some idiotic reason, some think that the way to show interest to a woman is to either be vague about it or not show any at all.

There are lots of different people out there which means that you get extroverts and introverts, nice guys and erm, the rest. Nice Guys are exciting but ‘excitement’ to a lot of women means that the guy treats them mean and keeps them keen, maybe he lives life on the edge a little, bit irresponsible, needs fixing, and they think he needs nurturing to change his errant behaviour.

Nice Guys take their pleasures from enjoying the good things in life but not at the expense of someone who they profess to care about, and they ultimately don’t feel comfortable with having no regard for someone else’s feelings. When they do hurt someone’s feelings, they genuinely feel bad about it because they’re in touch with their feelings and not just thinking about what suits them.

I must admit, I have loved being single and I was scared of what it would be like to be in a relationship because I do enjoy my me-time. I have a full on career with many interweaving branches to it, that is not only my passion but keeps me busy; I have my groups, my writing and developing my sites, plus a busy social life with various circles of friends, plus my other interests, layer all of this with a happy ability to be on my own for lengthy periods of time. I’ve done what I want, when I want and the only person I have had to be accountable for is myself. I spread out in the bed,  sometimes leave the tidying to build up a little,  snicker at trashy TV, plus I have my blankets to snuggle into on the sofa.  I sometimes lay around in knickers and a t-shirt watching TV and I shop to my hearts content and don’t have to lie about the cost of things to anyone.

I have been very antsy about relinquishing my freedom and time. I have laid in bed on a Saturday with a past squeeze and felt anxiety grip me as I worried about when I was going to go to the gym, do the groceries and update my blog. Like a number of single people I know, I would be practically rushing someone out the door so I could regain my space equilibrium.

It’s weird because I acknowledge that for the first time in a long time, I am very comfortable and have very little anxiety. Normally there is an undercurrent, which means that no matter how much of a laugh that I had with a past squeeze, underneath it there was the irritability and anxiety caused by a secret knowledge that the whole thing wasn’t right for me. They were never part of my life and just fixtures that I squeezed in on an ad hoc basis. After a while, I got bored and had to acknowledge that it was my own fault that I had even been in these situations in the first place.

As humans we can be very territorial over people, objects, ideas, dreams, and often over ourselves. When we don’t want to let someone in, we just won’t and our actions become our self protection. We fight for our perceived space, our perceived life and values and wonder why we still don’t feel right. Sometimes you have to wonder are we fighting them, or ourselves?

It’s difficult to pinpoint what makes someone so different and makes it worth crossing the vast divide into coupledom, but being in the presence of someone who takes a genuine interest, isn’t trying to just get their leg over and have something casual, and who is emotionally available has a hell of a lot to do with it. I suspect that in the past I may not have recognised or appreciated these qualities in a guy, and gone for the edgier absentee.  A nice guy can provide an edge to make you sit up and pay attention.

Ultimately what really determines a nice guy is that the woman isn’t spending the relationship feeling insecure about the status of the relationship, where he is, what he’s doing when she’s not about, and she doesn’t feel that sense of unease and lack of self-worth that’s associated with dating Mr Unavailables and Bad Boys. It’s definitely a better experience.

Note to all: Don’t forget where you came from, you may have to go there some time.

Go Well

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