Perfection And Crumbs: Chasing The Fantasy
Imagine an existence with…
No disappointment.No uncomfortable feelings.
Permanent fluffy clouds, joy, and cuddles.
Complete control of everything.
For some, what I’ve just described would be a perfect existence. However, if you want a life without all of these things, it doesn’t exist… unless you’re in a fantasy relationship. To be fair, this doesn’t exist either.
The reality is that the very things that you desire in a fantasy relationship, whether consciously or unconsciously, mean this:
No responsibility —> No achievement, no stake in anything whether good, bad or indifferent.
No accountability —> No ownership, no honest account of your own experiences and no growth.
No conflict —> No voice, no resolution, no judgement of the situation and making your own decisions.
No problems —> No opportunities, no differentiation, no stretching, no opportunity to deal with a problem and no pride in being a part of the solution.
No rejection —> No acceptance, no limits, no deciding that which you say YES and NO to.
No mistakes —> No feedback, no learning and no awareness.
No risk —> No stretching, no gains, no pushing, no ambition, no trust, no common sense, no managed risks through intelligence, awareness, observation and action.
No failure —> No success and no joy.
No fear —> No drive, no ambition, no healthy fear, no vulnerability and no new experiences.
No ‘abandonment’ —> No personal security or security with another discovered through mutual trust, no strength, no thriving and surviving, no being in control of whether you stay or leave.
No disappointment —> No surprises, including the very pleasant and wonderful ones.
No uncomfortable feelings –> this would be like having static, flatlining feelings.
Permanent fluffy clouds, joy, and cuddles —> No contrast, no seasons and no down time to rise up again.
Complete control of everything —> No one else has responsibility, accountability or even free will. It would just be you at the controls and dials. Yep…it would all be on you.
This right here is what fantasy relationships and fantasising are all about – avoidance. The thing is that you end up avoiding life itself, which means that you miss out on the wonderful aspects of life that come along with being present and accountable.
You may not even recognise that you’re in a fantasy relationship. However, if you tend to build sandcastles in the sky, cloak yourself in illusion and are very comfortable living off a diet of denial, rationalising, minimising and excuses, you’re at the very least dabbling, if not knee deep in spending too much time out of reality.
In truth, you’re pursuing perfection and the relationship you claim to want, out of crumbs. Nirvana for you may equal getting love against the odds in that you’re putting a dodgy relationship through the fantasy oven and pulling out what you want – the fantasy.
Whatever type of relationship you’re in, as an individual you have to be responsible, accountable, deal with mistakes and conflict. You can’t cherry pick a rosy life, although you can lessen things like rejection and the impact of it, plus the results of unhealthy relationships by ensuring that you hold your own.
You may recognise that there are things that you really want, but you’d rather skip over the possibility of conflict, mistakes or rejection rather than ask for what you need. What we all fail to remember sometimes is that conflict is unavoidable (even when we compromise ourselves to keep the peace), mistakes are unavoidable and yes, you might have to face rejection at some point.
If you’re not out there in the first place, how will you know what you stand to miss or gain? Yes, you have been hurt before, but it’s up to you to decide if you’re going to pursue the same route or set out a new route. You could be out there with your eyes and ears open with your boundaries, values and awareness of when to fold packed into your ‘life kit’. You get to choose. You can be in control of what you want to be part of and this can’t happen if you’re immersed in LaLa Land.
It is a fantasy to persist in believing that you can scrape around on the fringes of life avoiding anything that represents the more uncomfortable aspects of life. It’s also a fantasy to persist in pursuing a relationship that you know represents unhealthy in the hopes that by putting it all on you to be the match that spontaneously combusts them into someone else, that they’ll change. It’s also a fantasy to go with variations of the same type of person, convincing yourself that ‘this’ is better than the last person and that you can ‘handle it’.
All this fantasising gives the illusion of feeling and being certain things. However, by not participating in and nourishing your life, you’re creating problems and pain for yourself as a consequence of choices directly related to your fantasising and refusal to take action in reality, which in itself is self rejection.
Recently, I went to a meditation workshop and the teacher explained how mindfulness is about not trying to anticipate what’s next and not worrying about what might happen or is not happening. This makes sense to me because people in fantasy relationships can’t handle the ‘now’ that represents reality.
What are you so afraid of facing? What are you so desperate to avoid in real life that you’d mentally check yourself into an unavailable relationship that gives you enough free time to fill up your imagination with the relationship you’re not getting in the real world?
Interestingly, when you go to the trouble of avoiding reality, you have the illusion of being in with a chance of winning the long-shot relationship. The very real problems that happen in your life are not caused by reality, they’re caused by the effect of you acting in sync with your fantasising, which can have you engaging in some very self-destructive behaviour. Think about it: Which one is causing you more problems, pursuing the fantasy or the reality that you’re going to painstaking lengths to avoid but is continuing to happen anyway?
It’s time to re-engage with yourself and your life. Don’t fear it – grab it, face it, grieve it, deal with what has brought you to this juncture because something has. Aside from taking steps to distance yourself from anything or anyone that acts as a ‘prop’ to your fantasising and where needed, seeking professional help, what you should invest in is spending some time learning how to deal with the very things that you avoid.
Let It Go. This will allow you to focus your energies positively on you instead of fighting so hard for something that doesn’t exist. Distance brings objectivity, which goes hand in hand with reality.