The Best Thing I Never Had: Not Getting What You Think You Want
When our default position is to wonder what’s wrong with us and to blame not getting what we want on not being “good enough”, we may act as if our process is ‘right’ and we are ‘wrong’. You may be so consumed by the result that ‘should’ have happened that you remain heavily invested in the outcome that you think that you want. This isn’t just about the beliefs attached to choices, but also because the alternative to that investment is change. The prospect of change may be a unfamiliar unknown, which takes you away from the uncomfortable comfort zone where we get to give ourselves a hard time with a narrative focused on what is wrong with us.
Sometimes it’s about the process, sometimes it’s about the result and sometimes it may be about both. What it is never about is our ‘worth’. It’s not that a more worthwhile and good enough person could have pulled off what we wanted. Sometimes the ‘wrong’ result may be the right one. We often conveniently forget about how sometimes what feels so ‘right’ can actually be so wrong. If that’s the case, whilst what has/has not happened may not make sense right now, the blessing in disguise will be revealed a little further down the line.
Time and space provide clarity and objectivity, as long as we’re not still doing the same things and getting the same or even worse results – in terms of relationships, this is Relationship Insanity. When we become aware of those blessings in disguise, if we’re open to learning positively from the insights, we gain from our experiences and we become aware and appreciative of better things that are happening to us.
Recently, a client felt devastated when an affair that she was invested in did not work out. She felt unlovable and not good enough. Even after she had ended it, he kept pursuing her, professing how right they were for each other and how wrong she was…whilst his ‘situation’ remained the same. Actually, it was absolutely the right thing that he didn’t leave and once she recognised this, she lost her attachment to that predicted outcome and addressed the issues that contributed to her even being in that situation.
We can not have unhealthy habits of thinking and behaviour and expect to bask in the rewards of healthier habits. Equally, sometimes we can be misappropriating of our energies if we keep trying to make people (who are reluctant to) meet us in a mutual capacity, to love and appreciate us, or to change their ways. Sometimes, we have to take a big enough step back to see that a situation isn’t worthy of us.
Many people left feeling devastated by not getting what they think they want end up gradually ‘reclaiming’ and being their true selves because these situations often provide an opportunity to rebuild their lives in a way that they prefer.
When the way in which you’re thinking and behaving doesn’t produce the desired results, it is never, ever about your worth. By all means, reflect on you process and the results you have gotten. Moreover, it is also worth remembering, you cannot control the uncontrollable or make a silk purse out of a pig’s ear.