Setting The Standard
At what point do you say, enough is enough? Is it the point at which we we want to keep someone in our life so much, that we’re willing to let go of everything that matters to us – our sense of self, our values, our boundaries and our standards in order to keep them?
I think that it is vital to set proper standards for how we want to be treated. This doesn’t mean that we take responsibility for other people’s feelings and behaviour. It simply means that we have to first recognise that if we do not treat ourselves with love and respect and set a standard in the first place, we send out a message to those around us that this is the standard that we have set for ourselves and that it is OK for you to treat me similarly or worse.
When you are willing to set the standard of how you will to be treated, you will not accept less from anybody else than what you can already do for you. This stops you from being in unhealthy relationships. This allows you to say when you don’t accept something or that you are not OK with what has just been said/done..
Let’s say, for example, somebody is mistreating you. At best, they are taking advantage and at worst, they are abusing you. If you then turn around and say, “I take the blame for your behaviour” or “That’s OK, I’m not going to create any consequences for your behaviour”, or “I love you, I love you, I love you…. Come back to me… I can’t bear to be without you…”, after they have walked all over you and out on you, this is sending out the wrong message. What you are communicating to them is, “I don’t love me. I don’t care about me and I don’t respect me”. It’s saying, “I know that you don’t either but I’d rather accept crumbs from you than nothing at all”. Finally, it is saying, “I don’t feel that I can do without you. You – who isn’t really there for me at all”.
Don’t fall into the trap of believing that it’s better for somebody to be there in a shady capacity than to not be there at all. In the same vein, it’s not better for somebody to be there but emotionally absent rather than being gone all together. All of these things will kill your soul and the very essence of you. You don’t need to be out there seeking perfection, but what you do need to seek is to be with people who are like-minded. If your idea of like-minded folk is somebody who treats you like something that they just stepped in, something about the way in which you view yourself needs attending to.
The answer isn’t to try to change the other person, anymore that it is trying to be perfect and please them even more. The answer isn’t to keep editing who you are in the hope that this will spark them into being a better person in the relationship. The answer is to step right back and to invest all of your energy into evaluating and working on why you are accepting less than what you deserve even from yourself. What is it that is telling you that this way of being is the best that you can do?
We must set the standard for how others treat us. You want to be treated with love and respect? Treat yourself with love and respect. Once you start to do this, not only will you not accept less than what you can already do for yourself but you will also align you with entirely different people and situations. You will find that you come from a place of love as opposed to coming from a place of crushing you, or of trying to always please others. You will do things from a place of healthy desire.
If you have to choose between you and someone else, always love you first.